Kate has been working on the "shock value" comment of late and seems to think the more appalled we are the better it is. Last night as we discussed a story about a young boy who killed his parents ( you can read it here) in a rural home in New Hampshire she looked at me and said, " well I have thought about stabbing you but I never did it". She just added it to the conversation as if this was a totally normal thought to add while we discussed why kids who have a hard time regulating their behaviour should have not access to guns. I just ignored it in the moment while my mind raced, seriously kiddo, you have thought that... What do you say to that sort of thing.
Today as we went to get birth control shot she asked me if my Mom took me to get them or if I took pills. When I replied that my Mom never even thought about me being sexually active at her age and that it was not ever a conversation we had when I was a teenager she was surprised. I went on to expelling to her that I was making sure she was getting them because I was not confident that she was not going to try to use sex as a way to get people to like her and although that made me very sad for her, I was not about to deal with the repercussions of having a pregnant teen daughter because that would not be far to anyone at all. So she is going to be on birth control and until she is 16 I can continue to make sure that this happens every 12 weeks. She was sort of speechless.
I then went to yoga and thought to myself about how insane this all is. I have a daughter who thinks sex is a way to get attention, a son who got roped in by her manipulation and is now in trouble for it and another son who just reinforced for her that being controlled by his needs for sexual pleasure was totally acceptable and when she tried to speak out and get help no one believed her.
I feel so much shame about that. About how I did not believe her when she told us because I was sure that Kevin was gay and would not be interested in having sex with a 6 year old. Except he did, sexual preferences aside he is also a predator who worked really hard to manipulate our lives so that he could sexually satisfied.
But, all that being said there is also a part of me that is afraid she, much like Kevin is so mentally ill that no matter what we do no it is never going to be enough to save her from self destructing as he has. It terrifies me and makes me dread our future together.