Thursday, 17 January 2013

Archived Post 2013 - Dear Kate,

Dear Kate,

Today is your adoption day. It is one of those bittersweet moments where we are all excited but very aware of all the losses that you have had to incur that have brought us to this day. We didn't tell you until this morning and you were so excited. Once the initial excitement wore off you turned into that hyper bouncing kid which usually means that you are trying to hide your real emotions. It took awhile but eventually you started to cry, as I expected you would. Because us adopting you means that you have had to say good-bye to so many others.

So far today is going well though, you are managing all your emotions as best you can and I must say I thought things would be much worse.

The last 6 weeks with you have been rough, there have been lots of moments when I thought that one of us was not going to make it bedtime. Christmas was exciting but hard for you because it was the first one, it was the first time for so many things and we do not do things the same way that others do, all the new things were more than you could handle. We tried to keep things quiet but there is no way to cancel Christmas. I will not lie, I did contemplate it on more than one occasion though. I do need to say in your defence, your brothers were also a huge challenge through the holiday season and all of it has left me done, as you say " Mama is done with our behaviour".

I am, I tired but there is so much about you that makes me willing to get of bed every morning and do it again. I can't really explain it, there is not too much to say that has not already been said,  you are a wonderful child, you light up my life in ways I never knew a child could. I have never come across a child as determined as you are and when I say determined I do not mean stubborn, I mean determined. When you say you are going to do something you do everything you can to make it happen and if it for some reason you can't make it happen it devastates you.

Kate, I can't imagine our lives without you, today as we make this all legal and forever I am sure I to will shed a tear or two because the road that brought here was one that no child should ever walk but I am so thankful to the universe that you are here and that you are ours. I mean that, even in my worst moments when I say things I later regret I will always love you more than you will ever know.

love
Mom

Thursday, 10 January 2013

Archived Post 2013 - Keeping it Real

I know it's been quiet around here.

Things have been hard, really hard and when they get hard like that I turn inward, I get depressed and I tend to bury my head in the sand.

About 6 weeks ago something happened with one of the kids, something that made their future, the reality they will live, the challenges they will face seem so much more real than they ever have before. I was angry about what they had done, the child in question did not really understand why I was so angry. 36 hours later after my head and exploded the child did the same thing again. I was so far past mad I could not even talk to the kid. Then 2 weeks ago just after Christmas that same child did a different thing but it was the sort of thing that really made me wonder if anything we ever said was heard or if it was all just gibberish.

The reality is that the child question does not have the ability to understand cause and effect. They should be able to understand that when they bend their finger all the way back it will hurt and then stop doing it but this child can not. They are bending their own finger all the way back, crying because it hurts and not understanding that they are the one who can stop the pain. That may seem like a rather primitive example but some days things just like that are happening.

To top that we are in the heart of  all sorts of big anniversaries for Kate and that is bringing up all sorts of behaviour which in of itself is more than challenging. I am pretty tired of being called a bitch by a 6 year old. In the midst of all this Kate made some allegations against a person from her past which a probably true and now we have to deal with yet another interview with social workers.

Last week was one of the hardest weeks I have had in a long time, I was depressed and hiding in my house in my footie pj's hoping that if I hid long enough spring would come, the light would return and the all the hard anniversaries for my kids would pass and we could just go back to it being summer. It didn't happen. It's still winter and they are still being tough as nails.

I did reach out to some friends to vent though, I did express my frustration and sadness and one of my very dear friends made an offer to give me a break, to take all 3 of crazy homeschooled kids so that I could have break. So that is what we are going to do, take a break, without our kids for the first time we are leaving them for a whole week and heading to the southern sun.

The thought of this break, this time to recharge is going to carry me through the next 10 days or so, it is the carrot I so needed. I will also leave all of the people I love and head to sun in March which is totally different kind of break and much needed one as well.

I am going to be ok, I just need to take of my needs as well as theirs.