Saturday 21 December 2019

no snappy or witty titles here

I don't know where to even start writing today. I want to write, I want to talk and share and record this portion of my life but with each passing day that just gets harder and harder.

I mustered up the courage to go see my doctor ( whom I do not have a lot of faith in) to change my anti-depressants in the hope that something might work better than the one I am on right now. My physical pain has been intense for the last few months and my mental health has only ever been this bad once before when I was young adult and struggling through my own childhood trauma.

I was sort of honest about how miserable I am and he agreed to change the meds. I went filled the new script and started a schedule to switch from one to the other with an overlap of about 3 weeks. I took the first one Wed. morning. By Thursday morning the skin on my chest was hot and red and by the afternoon I had full blown hives all over my torso. I called the Dr's office, they said they would call me back. They never did. I called again and they had nothing to offer. I contemplated my options and decided to wait till Friday and see if they could help with another script or a suggestion of how to manage this. No one called. I finally called them and informed them I would stop the new med, stick with one I was on till after our vacation and then we could figure out what to do. The nurse seemed concerned about my plan but had nothing better to offer and the only other thing I could do was go to the ER which in my small town is either a really good ER or a really bad ER, there is non happy medium. In the end I decided I could not manage the ER in the days leading up to Christmas with flu season in full swing.

I hate that I can not get this Dr. to hear and understand that I am not simply trying to make his life more challenging I just am that 1% of people who have every crazy reaction to any med I take and it is a disaster every single time. I need to find a different Dr. I need to find someone who will hear when I say that most days I feel like I would rather not be here anymore. That my life is a dark place full of sadness that is totally overwhelming most days. I need him to hear that I the shame and anguish I feel about ruining my daughter childhood and life in general is huge and overwhelming. I need him to hear that my pain is chronic and exhausts and his refusal to treat it is ridiculous. I need this to not be one more super hard thing that I have to deal with on top of everything else everyday.

And then I feel like I am whining and complaining and that I should be able to manage all of this without any problems. Except I can't mange it, at all, not even when I am pretending. Looking back on the past year just makes me sad. This not the life I planned and this is not the life I want.

Monday 16 December 2019


I have decided I hate December. I am ready for it to be over. I am ready for 2019 to be over but since 2018 sucked as well and the outlook for 2020 isn't so hot I would like to just skip ahead to March or so of 2021 and go forward from there.

Wanna join me?

Perhaps we can wait out our time travel arrangements in Costa Rica with some tasty drinks and room service.

That would be nice. I am tired of being sad. I am tried of wishing things were different and although deep down I know this is not all because of anything thing I did, I am filled with shame and regret over the choices I have made in the last 12 years and the number of lives that have been ruined because I though I could be a good parent.

Tuesday 3 December 2019

Will it ever be different?

I am so tired of explaining and then  explaining again the reality that my middle son lives to professionals who claim they are going to help but then do nothing for him. Well nothing that will help anyway.

We waited months for an assessment, something we all hoped might make a difference in getting him the assistance he needs to be a functional adult and instead all we got was another 20 page report that says nothing. He could have this, he might have that, we are not sure so instead of providing him with a label that might help him we are just going to generally say that he needs supports.

I can totally take that to the disability office and ask them to grant him a disability amount based on a my large file of maybe he has...

We went together to hear what the report said yesterday. He was pretty quiet and then as we were leaving he was said, " I really wish she would just say it". He meant his birth Mom and he wishes she could just be brave and strong enough to admit that she drank while she was pregnant and that is why things are so hard for him. He understands that might be why and he also understands that she is unlikely to tell him the truth if he asks.

I so wish I was typing something different this time.

I am so tired of everything being so hard and a such a battle that I feel like I have to fight on my own.