Monday 24 December 2018

Glimmers of Goodness.

It's Christmas Eve and at this time of year I always get sick. I do to much and get run down and then end up in bed for days. You would think I would learn that this is not a good plan and change my choices... nope, not yet, was sick in bed all last week with a nasty stomach bug. Luckily I was the only one to get it.

While I was laid up for a week I spent a lot of time binge watching TV and thinking about the past year of my life. 2018 has mostly sucked in so many ways but there are little glimmers of goodness that stand our amid all of the really, really hard parts.

The fact that Kate and Randall spoke up about what happened in our home, that they broke the silence and we are dealing with all that is now happening is a good thing. It means that they can now heal and move forward rather than living with all the secrets hanging over their heads. It has been hard, impossibly hard to navigate but it was going to have to come out eventually and we are moving forward.

The dog, we got a puppy in March of this year and she brings me joy and love on a daily basis. I was never that person who doted on their dogs and took them everywhere and in fact I was rather judge of those people. I am no longer judging because I have become that person. The dog is so genuinely pleased to see me each and every time I come home and it is so nice to be loved so unconditionally by her.

My therapist, oh my gosh I am so grateful to the universe for connecting us last year before things got as impossibly hard. She has had my back at every turn this past year and most especially this fall as my world fell apart around me. She is always there calmly supporting me while we rebuild our lives and  figure out how we are going to move forward.

Medications, oh the regulation that they help to create for my kids is so good. I hope that one day Kate will manage on her own but until she gains that a ability I will be grateful for those pills. Randall will likely always need medication and it is amazing that we have access to all the things that he needs to help make him stable.

Friends, I have some amazing friends who have reached out and held me up as things got so very hard. I do not know where I would be if it were not for them.

I am hoping that 2019 brings new things and some calm to our lives. We are starting it off with a trip to the south because a week on the beach in the sun is always a good start to a new year.

Monday 10 December 2018

Season of...

It is the season of sharing and of celebration. It is the season of hope and the coming of new things. It is also the season of BUSY!

We have a lot going on just like every family does in December and this year I am just finding it so hard. At every event, at every family tradition, at the end of a party when it is time to go home I miss Kevin.

I wonder about him, about what he is doing and how he is managing. I worry that he is not making good choices and that no one is looking out for him. I worry that the birth family he is choosing to live with is not taking the allegations against him seriously and is leaving him in situations where other kids are going to get hurt. I worry that he is not getting the help he so desperately needs.

He was my boy for so long, I thought he come so far and that he was going to get through this rough patch of young adulthood and that we would be here waiting for him when he was ready to come back. I thought that one day we would all be able to be together again.

That is not ever going to happen now.

Kate doesn't even like talking about him let alone seeing him and Randall has been scratching his face out of photos. Randall also has stopped referring to him as his brother and now only uses his name when he talks about him and acknowledges doing it on purpose.

I get it, I understand it and I am never ever going to force them to be with him but I am so torn and so frustrated because I promised him again and again I would never leave him and yet here we are. I did not close the door, he did. But, it is very closed. He has changed his last name on FB, he has blocked me from any contact via any social media and he has not said a word to any of us since the allegations came to light at the end of August.

I believe the allegations, I believe Randall and Kate and I wish with all my heart that Kevin could admit to them so that we could all begin to heal in whatever form that would take. The problem is that he is not going to do that and instead we are all going to be forever fractured because he is not ready to be accountable for the choices he made.

They were horrible, awful choices and I am not forgetting that but he is still my child and I do still love him and miss him everyday.

Thursday 6 December 2018

Self Sabatoge

Randall is working hard at failing and is beyond frustrated with the fact that we are trying to make him be successful and perhaps even thrive at life.

He falls into the pattern of listening to his own negative self talk and then when I try to get him to engage and produce the work I know he is capable of we get into a power struggle and argue which ends with at least one of us storming off after saying things we regret. The storming off is usually me because I am just so very frustrated. We have the same conversations day after day and we fall into the same pattern of him shifting the conversations to attacking me rather then accepting that he needs to make a change if he wants things to turn out differently.

He lives in a fantasy world where his lack of commitment and follow through doesn't apply and he thinks that even though he has done the bare minimum at school for the last 4 years and barely passed that he should now be accepted to a college program that he dreams about with zero understanding of the fact that it will not happen because of the choices he has made. He lacks the cause and effect thinking he needs to be a successful young adult but no one seems to see that except his Dad and I.
We keep trying to get people to hear us and to understand that he needs a lot of support to manage the most basic of tasks and yet no one can or will hear us because he presents as so together.

It is such a frustrating experience to try to help be successful when he fights so hard to be a failure.