Wednesday 28 November 2018

A moment...

Kate had therapy today and taking her has become such a struggle for me because every time I have to take her I am brought back to the fact that I did not keep her safe. Today while I sat there waiting for her the radio was playing Christmas Carols and that just about put me over the edge because hearing songs about families being together for the holiday season made me really sad.

I tried so hard, I was so careful and yet she was still hurt by a boy who I told her was going to love her and keep her safe too because that is what big brothers do. It has come out that he hurt time and time again and that

But her big brother did not keep her safe, instead he hurt her and she tried to tell us that and none of us believed her because she kept changing her story. I know that I believe her now and that we are getting her help but if I could roll back the clock and change this for her I so would. Her story before she came to me was one that tragic and I thought that we would be her safe place, a place that taught her that she could trust others not to hurt her and instead she just got hurt again and again.

I feel the same about Randall but it is some how a different process in my brain and I am not sure why. It could be because it did not happen to him for as long. It could be because his relationship with Kevin was already pretty complicated and this is another layer of that. To be honest I am not sure exactly why but I am sure with time it will make more sense in my head.

Guilt, shame and sadness are the dominating emotions of my life and I wonder if we will ever all be happy again and how we will ever get on with our new version of normal.

Thursday 22 November 2018

A Story called Shame

I have been listening to The Moth Podcast to fill my long days of trying to keep myself busy so I do not have to much time to think which is helpful until it's not.

I have hit that spot where busy is not helpful because my grief is to overwhelming and once I wade through the grief I find myself deeply entrenched in shame.

And then my shame keeps me silent for long stretches because to speak of my life is to speak of the fact that even though I tried so very hard to keep my children safe I did not. They were being hurt by their brother who was also very clearly hurt and my home was not a safe a place for them.

But I can't tell this story, I can't call into The Moth and leave it on their story line. I can't tell them that even though I had video cameras and door alarms my eldest child sexually assaulted his little sister while they walked the dog together or played in the yard while I was int  the house making lunch. He violently assaulted his brother while they were sharing a room on the second floor while the rest of us slept downstairs. When I had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night and I woke him at 15 years old and asked him to get his siblings off to school if I wasn't back and instead of going back to sleep he waited till I left and then woke his brother to sexually assault him again.

There are so many stories. I know I am not to blame and yet the shame takes over and I retreat inside myself. I hide from my friends because I can not bear for them to know that this happened in my home. That I , the Mom who was on top of it all missed this. That at the end of the day I was not a good enough Mom for my kids and now as we wade through all the trauma and grief I am not a good Mom because I am constantly triggered by their stories for they are so very similar to my own. I too was not safe in my home growing up, I to was sexually assaulted by a sibling and although I thought I had done the work I needed to around that time in my life when this happened it all came crashing back and no matter what I do, not matter how hard I try I can not shut down the movie playing in my head of my own assaults and the fact no one listened or kept me safe either.

We are so broken and I am not sure we are ever going to heal. I am not sure we are all going to make it through this. Randall and Kate were both suspended last week and then this week Randall was removed from school for the rest of the semester. He can go back in February if he gets all 4 of his classes done online between now and then. Which means he is home with me, all day, everyday for the next 10 weeks.

I am barely holding my shit together most days and now I have add teaching and arguing about school work to the long list of things I do not want to do each day. I will put that right under get out of bed and pretend that we are fine.

Shame, she is nasty voice that creeps in and makes you wonder why you even bother trying.

Friday 9 November 2018

What can I do?

How can I help you?
What can I do?
Do you need anything?

These are the questions my friends and family ask me each and every time I tell someone new about our lives or fill someone in on the chaos that happened this week or last week or today. There does not seem to be any end to the horribleness of all of this and Kate and Randall constantly share new things with us.

I know they mean well, I know they want to help but there is really nothing that can be done. I am completely overwhelmed by my emotions most days and the day to day things like getting groceries and making dinner get me moving everyday. They keep me from curling up in a ball spending my day crying as I stroke the dog and feel sorry for myself. There is definitely a place for that and I know that but I need it not to be my everyday.

I know I am depressed, I feel the ebb and flow of the overwhelming sadness gnaw at me most days and if I do not get out of my house I am afraid it will take over as it once did before.

When I was in university I struggled with serious depression that was brought on by my recollection of my own sexual abuse as child. It was a very dark time in my life and although I had a great therapist and doctor who saw me weekly for years I went through cycles of being seriously suicidal.
Getting back to that place terrifies me and yet I have not called my doctor to ask for meds this time because I am not the girl I was then. I have moments of thinking that would help and then I have a good day and think to myself that I do not need them.

I will be fine is my mantra on the hard days. 

Except when I am not fine and I am afraid that if I go back on anti-depressants it will be forever. I also do not want to deal with telling doctor after doctor why I am on them because they will ask. I see far to many medical processionals for it not to come up again and again.

Like so many things in my life right now there is no easy answer and navigating these new waters of my life will get easier with time.

Tuesday 6 November 2018

There is no instruction book...

There is no instruction book for managing your emotions when you are trying to figure out how your family is going to function when one of your children is not allowed to have contact with any of you by court order. For now it is easier but with time it will be harder.

Kevin is unwilling to admit that he has done anything wrong and I am reasonably certain that this is going to go to trial. The thought of that terrifies me for myself and for Kate and Randall.

How did we get here. All I wanted to do was parent kids who needed a family and instead of being a safe place for them it has been a further nightmare. They are safe now but they were not for so long and as careful as I was I wasn't careful enough.

I don't think I will ever forgive myself for that.

Thursday 1 November 2018

Just thoughts

Time seems like an illusive thing right now, the days are all running together as I move from one crisis to another with barely a moment to recover from the last one. It is exhausting and some days I don't have the energy to organize a meal let alone find time to sit down and formulate coherent thoughts into a blog post. Writing is useful for me as it helps me to process but at the same time there are days when I do not want to process because that would mean actually acknowledging the profound grief I am feeling and my complete powerlessness in the outcomes of the situation for my kids.

I miss having an intact family and being able to hug my oldest kid even if he is not living in my home. I have not seen or even spoken to him since the disclosures of his siblings and although there are good reasons for that it is still a struggle. I want to talk to him, to ask him to acknowledge that the choices he made are horrible and that he also needs help. Kevin has refused to acknowledge that he needs to work through his early childhood in order to be a functional adult. He refuses to admit that he too has been hurt by people who were supposed to protect him and instead just pretends that he is fine and that the problems are not his but instead ours.

It is all so freaking hard and there is just no easy way out. We must go through and at the end when there is some healing we will never be the same as we were before and that makes me so very sad.