Kate had therapy today and taking her has become such a struggle for me because every time I have to take her I am brought back to the fact that I did not keep her safe. Today while I sat there waiting for her the radio was playing Christmas Carols and that just about put me over the edge because hearing songs about families being together for the holiday season made me really sad.
I tried so hard, I was so careful and yet she was still hurt by a boy who I told her was going to love her and keep her safe too because that is what big brothers do. It has come out that he hurt time and time again and that
But her big brother did not keep her safe, instead he hurt her and she tried to tell us that and none of us believed her because she kept changing her story. I know that I believe her now and that we are getting her help but if I could roll back the clock and change this for her I so would. Her story before she came to me was one that tragic and I thought that we would be her safe place, a place that taught her that she could trust others not to hurt her and instead she just got hurt again and again.
I feel the same about Randall but it is some how a different process in my brain and I am not sure why. It could be because it did not happen to him for as long. It could be because his relationship with Kevin was already pretty complicated and this is another layer of that. To be honest I am not sure exactly why but I am sure with time it will make more sense in my head.
Guilt, shame and sadness are the dominating emotions of my life and I wonder if we will ever all be happy again and how we will ever get on with our new version of normal.