Time seems like an illusive thing right now, the days are all running together as I move from one crisis to another with barely a moment to recover from the last one. It is exhausting and some days I don't have the energy to organize a meal let alone find time to sit down and formulate coherent thoughts into a blog post. Writing is useful for me as it helps me to process but at the same time there are days when I do not want to process because that would mean actually acknowledging the profound grief I am feeling and my complete powerlessness in the outcomes of the situation for my kids.
I miss having an intact family and being able to hug my oldest kid even if he is not living in my home. I have not seen or even spoken to him since the disclosures of his siblings and although there are good reasons for that it is still a struggle. I want to talk to him, to ask him to acknowledge that the choices he made are horrible and that he also needs help. Kevin has refused to acknowledge that he needs to work through his early childhood in order to be a functional adult. He refuses to admit that he too has been hurt by people who were supposed to protect him and instead just pretends that he is fine and that the problems are not his but instead ours.
It is all so freaking hard and there is just no easy way out. We must go through and at the end when there is some healing we will never be the same as we were before and that makes me so very sad.