Wednesday 21 November 2012

Archived Post 2012 - The Rinse Cycle

Things are on the repeat cycle. Twice in the last week I have been ready to throw in the towel and each time it has been with a different kid.

I went to our adoption support group tonight and after it ended I stood talking with other Moms, Moms who live my life and it made such a difference.  I so needed them tonight. There are a group of us who keep going, I think we are scaring away other people but oh well, this is it people, this is real, adopting older kids is not all unicorns and rainbows and it most definitely not the same as parenting biological children.

I am tired of trauma.

I love my kids, I would do anything for them but the feeling like a hostage because one of them tries to hurt people when I leave, we do not need that to happen.  And the pushing me till I explode part, we could lose that too, I would be okay with that.

What kid spend 3 hours pretending they are unable to learn to count by 5's and tells you to go ahead and take their favourite stuff away because they DO NOT CARE - my 6 year old that's who. That would be the same child who uses every swear word in the book and then hits me when those are not effective.

Yesterday was so many levels of insane I can barely even talk about it without getting angry. I mean that in all honesty. I was so angry and so frustrated that I sat silently for more than hour because if I had spoken I would of said something so horrible to one of my kids that we might never of recovered. They knew how mad I was, they played together without fighting for over an hour. Amazing what  having an insanely angry parent can do.

Someone I love is coming to visit tomorrow and holding on to the joy is going to get me there.
Sometimes it is the little things that make it so that I can try again tomorrow.

Monday 12 November 2012

Archived Post 2012 - Dear Kate

Dear Kate,

It has been 8 months since you moved in with us, 10 or so since that little nervous bundle of energy greeted me at excitedly the front door of your foster home. I knew in that moment 10 months ago that you were going to give me a run for my money and I was right. To be honest though, I knew that before you leapt into my arms and called my Mommy like you had known me forever on the day we first met.

The thing I is I knew about you long before you knew about us. Last November while I was standing in the airport waiting to fly to California I got a call from your adoption worker asking when we could come down and start making plans for your transition which was code for - she is yours. I remember calling your Dad and saying, she's ours, she's ours. We were so excited and yet we had to contain our excitement for another 3 moths before we would finally meet you.

It was a long 3 months, I dreamed about you, about having a girl, about dresses and pigtails and watching Annie. I dreamed about not being the only female at the table anymore, about having someone to share girl stuff with and teaching another small person that your Dad's feet are ticklish. I longed for you to be here with us and yet we had to wait.

You were worth the wait.

Today 8 months in I have thought about those dreams and about so much more. These last 8 months have had their challenges, they have been hard, but you are worth it, the little person who is in there under the anger and the pain is worth it. I hope you and I have the patience we need to help you move past all the hurt parts because the little girl who is in there under all those hurt parts, she is a wonder and I am thrilled that I can say you are mine.


Wednesday 7 November 2012

Archived Post 2012 - Triangles and Manipulatives

Yes this could totally be a post about a homeschool math lesson but it is not. Nor is it a post about how to create a triangle out of manipulatives  I know, I know that might be a really exciting thing to write about but I am talking about attachment disorder and my kids fantastic ability to form a triangle between herself and two other people and then manipulate that situation till she gets what she wants.

She is a master.

The boys did the same thing, they were pretty good and tried hard to make it work but Kate can do it with the skill of a ninja, you have to be watching to see it and even when my eyes and ears are on her I still sometimes miss it.

Lately she has been working on it with the boys, the problem is I am wise to her games and today she had to pay them back in Halloween candy which she hated and they loved. They are now encouraging her to be mean and manipulative so they can get more candy. She of course no longer wants to play, funny that.