Things are on the repeat cycle. Twice in the last week I have been ready to throw in the towel and each time it has been with a different kid.
I went to our adoption support group tonight and after it ended I stood talking with other Moms, Moms who live my life and it made such a difference. I so needed them tonight. There are a group of us who keep going, I think we are scaring away other people but oh well, this is it people, this is real, adopting older kids is not all unicorns and rainbows and it most definitely not the same as parenting biological children.
I am tired of trauma.
I love my kids, I would do anything for them but the feeling like a hostage because one of them tries to hurt people when I leave, we do not need that to happen. And the pushing me till I explode part, we could lose that too, I would be okay with that.
What kid spend 3 hours pretending they are unable to learn to count by 5's and tells you to go ahead and take their favourite stuff away because they DO NOT CARE - my 6 year old that's who. That would be the same child who uses every swear word in the book and then hits me when those are not effective.
Yesterday was so many levels of insane I can barely even talk about it without getting angry. I mean that in all honesty. I was so angry and so frustrated that I sat silently for more than hour because if I had spoken I would of said something so horrible to one of my kids that we might never of recovered. They knew how mad I was, they played together without fighting for over an hour. Amazing what having an insanely angry parent can do.
Someone I love is coming to visit tomorrow and holding on to the joy is going to get me there.
Sometimes it is the little things that make it so that I can try again tomorrow.