Friday, 9 November 2018

What can I do?

How can I help you?
What can I do?
Do you need anything?

These are the questions my friends and family ask me each and every time I tell someone new about our lives or fill someone in on the chaos that happened this week or last week or today. There does not seem to be any end to the horribleness of all of this and Kate and Randall constantly share new things with us.

I know they mean well, I know they want to help but there is really nothing that can be done. I am completely overwhelmed by my emotions most days and the day to day things like getting groceries and making dinner get me moving everyday. They keep me from curling up in a ball spending my day crying as I stroke the dog and feel sorry for myself. There is definitely a place for that and I know that but I need it not to be my everyday.

I know I am depressed, I feel the ebb and flow of the overwhelming sadness gnaw at me most days and if I do not get out of my house I am afraid it will take over as it once did before.

When I was in university I struggled with serious depression that was brought on by my recollection of my own sexual abuse as child. It was a very dark time in my life and although I had a great therapist and doctor who saw me weekly for years I went through cycles of being seriously suicidal.
Getting back to that place terrifies me and yet I have not called my doctor to ask for meds this time because I am not the girl I was then. I have moments of thinking that would help and then I have a good day and think to myself that I do not need them.

I will be fine is my mantra on the hard days. 

Except when I am not fine and I am afraid that if I go back on anti-depressants it will be forever. I also do not want to deal with telling doctor after doctor why I am on them because they will ask. I see far to many medical processionals for it not to come up again and again.

Like so many things in my life right now there is no easy answer and navigating these new waters of my life will get easier with time.

Tuesday, 6 November 2018

There is no instruction book...

There is no instruction book for managing your emotions when you are trying to figure out how your family is going to function when one of your children is not allowed to have contact with any of you by court order. For now it is easier but with time it will be harder.

Kevin is unwilling to admit that he has done anything wrong and I am reasonably certain that this is going to go to trial. The thought of that terrifies me for myself and for Kate and Randall.

How did we get here. All I wanted to do was parent kids who needed a family and instead of being a safe place for them it has been a further nightmare. They are safe now but they were not for so long and as careful as I was I wasn't careful enough.

I don't think I will ever forgive myself for that.

Thursday, 1 November 2018

Just thoughts

Time seems like an illusive thing right now, the days are all running together as I move from one crisis to another with barely a moment to recover from the last one. It is exhausting and some days I don't have the energy to organize a meal let alone find time to sit down and formulate coherent thoughts into a blog post. Writing is useful for me as it helps me to process but at the same time there are days when I do not want to process because that would mean actually acknowledging the profound grief I am feeling and my complete powerlessness in the outcomes of the situation for my kids.

I miss having an intact family and being able to hug my oldest kid even if he is not living in my home. I have not seen or even spoken to him since the disclosures of his siblings and although there are good reasons for that it is still a struggle. I want to talk to him, to ask him to acknowledge that the choices he made are horrible and that he also needs help. Kevin has refused to acknowledge that he needs to work through his early childhood in order to be a functional adult. He refuses to admit that he too has been hurt by people who were supposed to protect him and instead just pretends that he is fine and that the problems are not his but instead ours.

It is all so freaking hard and there is just no easy way out. We must go through and at the end when there is some healing we will never be the same as we were before and that makes me so very sad.

Thursday, 25 October 2018

In an age of #metoo...

Given the current climate in North America regarding sexual assault I am often shocked at how many people do not believe survivors. Kate and Randall are constantly not believed and it astonishes me every single time it happens. How on earth would a child make this up and why would anyone put themselves out there like this if it wasn't the truth. There is just no way that a child would tear their family apart from the inside with these sorts of allegations unless they had happened.

I so wish I could stand on a rooftop and shout out that survivors are the not the ones who should be put on trial and yet that is exactly what happens. Again and again survivors have to prove that it was not consensual, that they were assaulted and that they are telling the truth.

When is it going to change? When are we going to begin to believe the stories that women, children and men tell about how they were assaulted without trying to blame them? When will we not longer need the tag #metoo?

When will we be believed?

Wednesday, 24 October 2018

I ran away

I ran away last Friday to friends house for the weekend so that I could gather my wits about me to get through this week. Kevin has a hearing today and I am not going but just thought of my boy in court having to answer for some of the things that he did to his siblings is killing me. For all of us this is an impossibly hard journey that I wish none of us were on.

I have so many mixed emotions and there really isn't a way to find resources to help me and the rest of my family through this. There is no book, no support group, no manual on how to recover from "when your son sexually assaults his siblings' and then gets away with it for years until one day one of them tells by accident. We are very much alone even though friends try to be supportive there just really is no way that anyone who hasn't lived this can even really begin to get it. I know that we are not alone and that others have been here to but no one talks about it.

Therapy helps but that is one hour a week and I have to live this life very much alone for all the other hours of all the other days and find the energy to support my kids because they need me to have my shit together and to help them through this.

The reality is though I am not holding it together even though I look like I am. I lost it at yoga yesterday because this is all just so freaking hard and how on earth are all of us going to get through this and figure out how to keep living.

Randall is on edge all the time, everything in his life is colored by his disclosure and he does not see anything positive that will come of it. He has no control and no power in this situation and that is exactly what Kevin did to him, took away all of his power and control. He was already really struggling and now he is so close to the edge all the time that I am terrified he is going to kill himself because he really does think that it is his only choice.

On days like this I just want to go back to bed and not get out. Instead I packed up my computer and headed to a coffee shop because sitting around at home felt like a really bad plan today.

Wednesday, 17 October 2018

I did it.

Today I got out of bed.

That might be my biggest accomplishment for the entire day. I did not want to get up this morning and in fact I contemplated driving Kate to school in my pj's and then coming home and going back to sleep.

Depression can be like that, it come take over without warning sucking all the air out of the room and leave me breathless trying desperately to get enough air to survive. Today is hard because yesterday was hard and I didn't want to admit that I needed hep. I was challenged to look at why I am feeling the way I am and challenged to do something about it and to allow myself to acknowledge that I need help to find the light.

Sometimes it is important to sit in the bottom of the hole you have fallen into and just be in the darkness. Other times it is important to grab on to the rope that is being thrown to you and allow others to help you to begin to climb out.

I have been ignoring the rope for awhile now but it is time to grab on, to be supported and to be helped because I can't get out the darkness on my own.

Although the last 6 weeks have been horrific I had been in the dark at the bottom of the hole for a long a time. If I am honest I would say it has easily been a year and although there have been glimmers of hope and light in that time I am aware that the darkness consumed them time and time again.

So hand over hand I am going climb up that rope and work at moving forward in this new version of my reality and hope that it is not so hard that I have to let go.

Tuesday, 16 October 2018

Grieving the Living

We went away last week on a much needed break from reality to enjoy some sight seeing and time together. I was struck by how very much I missed Kevin while we were gone. He has not lived in our home for over a year and we have traveled without him many times before but this time felt different.

I felt like I was grieving the loss of someone, he is gone from our lives but he is not dead or missing, instead he just minutes away but is not longer part of lives. I have no idea how he is, if he is safe and if his needs are being met. I have have not spoken to him since early August when we unexpectedly saw him one day. I have heard from other kids that he is denying his guilt regarding the charges that have been laid but that doesn't really tell me anything.

I miss my boy. I miss his red hair bobbing up and down as jumped for hours on the trampoline. I miss his laugh and his arguing. I miss the cuddles and the stories we would read together as we grew to know one another.  I miss the boy that grew in my heart and that I came to love after only meeting him at 8 when he had already seen and experienced far to much.

I miss the boy that I could not reach, the one who was broken by a world that taught him he did not matter and no amount of love, therapy and consistency could change that.

He hurt is siblings, he crossed the line and needs to be held accountable for his choices but that does not change my love and my sadness over the situation we are in.

How do you come to terms with this? How do you forgive someone who refuses to acknowledge that they have done something wrong? How do you find peace in a situation where there is no good outcome?


Tuesday, 2 October 2018

Allegations and Reporting

So I just came back from therapy. Therapy is a good thing and we makes sure we can afford it because we know it matters.

We spent a good chunk of time talking me down from the ledge I was on because Child and Family Services called today because they want to run a parallel  investigation into the one the police are running. Needless to say the conversation did not go well and I  was not very excited at the over zealous worker who seemed to think that our children needed to be interviewed again and they wanted to come inspect our home as well.

We reported our concerns about Randal and Kate ourselves, we reported what needed to be said and they came out and interviewed our kids a month ago. The case was handed to the police and charges were laid. outside of working with the police as we move forward we thought that was all we were going to need to do.

Until they called today. There is nothing that frustrates me more then a system that does not work.

There are real situations where they are needed out there, real kids in need of protection and they are calling us a month later to dot some i's because their checklist says they must.

My children have been through so much in the last month and the last thing they need is someone showing up at their school unannounced to question them and then send them back to class and expecting them to cope and make it through the rest of the day.

I made it very clear to them that anything that happened would be announced and done in a way that would not traumatize the kids but I can't even believe that I have tell them that.

Seriously. What about the kids who are dying in foster care or the ones being abused by people who are supposed to keep them safe.

Yes, my kids had something horrible happen to them but the person who did it is not in our home and we are doing our level best to help them regain some control. I am hoping someone is listening at the office and we can go away on vacation knowing that we will not have to come back to a gong show.

Thursday, 27 September 2018

So Strong

I am often amazed at the resilience of Randall and Kate. Their lives have thrown them so many horrible things, they have lost out on so many things and the people who were supposed to love and protect them failed again and again.

And yet they get up everyday and head into a world that is so very hard for them to navigate and they try again.

I often don't want to try again. I want to stay in my bed and hide from the world overwhelmed by the journey that is my life. In fact, there are days that once I get the kids off to school I go back to my bed. I hide there for the day eating crappy food and binge watching TV feeling very sorry for myself and pretending that this a totally effective coping strategy.

I dream about what life would be like if I hadn't done this or that, if I could go and change things what would I do differently?

Wednesday, 26 September 2018

Kicked out

I brought Kate to therapy today. We come every two weeks and usually I stay but the therapist and I had conversation last week about Kate potentially not wanting me in the room and me not wanting to be in the room because my own trauma is so triggered by my kids current trauma. That being said being asked to leave today makes me so sad , not because I want to be there  but because I don’t want my kids to have to do this. I don’t want them to have to heal from the trauma that their brother caused because I wish it hadn’t happened and I feel so bad that it did.

Bad that I didn’t pay more attention.
Bad that I didn’t keep them safe.
Bad they are now blaming themselves for what he did even though it is definitely not their fault.

Trauma on top of trauma and it is all so complicated and heartbreaking for all of us.