Thursday 21 March 2013

Archived Post 2013 - Done, again, still...

I've been feeling close the edge with the boys for a long time and this week that edge has crept ever closer. I am so tired of the constant lying, stealing, sneaking, arguing, picking, poking, accusations, screaming, back talk and general nasty behavior that has become our new normal.

It's been 5 years, this could get easier with them any time now and I would be ok with that. If this keeps up I am not sure how much longer I will be able to manage it. When they were little I had so much hope, I saw so much progress and today I am not feeling very hopeful for them. This regressive stage seems to be going on forever and I am not handling it very well.

If I was not dealing with all the one year trauma anniversary stuff with Kate I might be in a better place but I am dealing with her and I had sort of banked on them doing better. Three being out of control all at once feels like more than this depressed Mama can manage. Actually I should say that I am  managing it but I could be doing a better job and I could be way more therapeutic than I am being.

Is it spring yet... sending them outside all day would help.

Wednesday 13 March 2013

Archived Post 2013 - Dear Kate

Dear Kate,

It has been a year, a whole year since we packed you up in the van with your brothers in the back of the van and brought you home. It was a long trip and you were so scared. I know that now, I didn't know you very well then, didn't understand your signals and your cues. I am much better at that now because we have had a whole year together, a whole year to grow and change and learn about one another.

I now know that if I tickle you in just the right spot you will actually laugh, not that little fake laugh you so often use but a real Kate laugh from the depths of your belly. I have learned that when you do not like what you are eating you will slow to a turtles pace in attempt to get out of eating it. I know when your tears are real and when they are just for attention. I have learned that you like to pretend you can't do things and when you are mad at me you hide my stuff. You are fantastic at changing the subject and controlling a situation when you do not like what is happening or being discussed. You love all things girl but keep up with your brothers as if you were 11 instead of 7 and I am sure you could take them if they really challenged you to. You are a voracious reader and love to draw and paint. You will spend hours playing imaginary games with Kevin and you drag Randall kicking and screaming into your imagination as well. You can convince all of your brothers to play with you even though they totally all think that they are told old and cool for such games. You love to sing and our beloved "teenager music" will calm you down quicker than any thing else.

You are one of a kind my dear Kate.

Since we finalized your adoption you have danced on my last nerve more times than I care to count. You have tested and pushed and shoved to see if we meant it, to see if we meant that this is forever. This week has been better, now that I have said that aloud you are going to self destruct.  I do need to say that since I came back from ETAAM weekend you have been calmer and have been talking about what is going on inside instead of just screaming at me. Yesterday you had a pretty spectacular meltdown but I had been waiting for that. I did not mention to you that March 12 was day 365 but I know that you knew some where deep inside that this was the day you came home for good. So the combination of me being away and day 365 was a bit more than you could handle. I knew that though, I was waiting for it we worked through it.

You continue to heal and grow, you inspire me one minute and then infuriate me the next. Sometimes I wonder about the ways of the universe and how exactly I ended up with you. Actually how we ended up with one another would be more appropriate because you remind me so much of a little girl I once knew and she grew up to be rock star. I made you a glass a little while ago that says -  Rock Star in Training -  you will get there baby girl, it is going to be a long road but I have so much hope for you.

We can do this together.

love your biggest fan.