Wednesday 19 September 2012

Archived Post 2012 - When all else fails sing.

This is Christine, I love Christine, I stalk her but she totally know that so you can go ahead and stalk her to, really it's okay I can share.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

She is one smart cookie.  Press play, listen to her and then take a deep breathe and be silly.
We make up a lot of songs around here cause we have some kids who get really, really stuck. I was rather proud of this mornings and thought it might make you smile so feel free to sing along.

Cold Oatmeal( to the tune of the Farmer in the Dell)

I like my oatmeal cold, 
I like my oatmeal cold, 
I don't care what my mother says, 
I like my oatmeal cold. 

I can take all day to eat it, 
I can take all day to eat it, 
I have no where to be today 
So I can take all day to eat it. 

My brothers are laughing at me, 
My brothers are laughing at me, 
I don't care if they laugh all day
Cause I like my oatmeal cold. 

My raisins are walking away, 
My raisins are walking away, 
My raisins are bored and they don`t care 
that I like my oatmeal cold. 

I won't do what Mom says, 
I won't do what Mom says, 
My ears work fine but I don`t care 
cause I like my oatmeal cold. 

I think I probably had more verses but this morning was a long time ago and I can`t remember them now.

This week has been insanely long, I have 2 kids working through all sorts of huge feelings. I have managed in the last week to teach them that you can totally make Mom blow if you push her hard enough and when she is sick you do not have to push very hard. I have also taught them that singing along tends to make your siblings even more crazy than they already are, so leave the singing up to Mom. It`s a good thing I don`t give up easily cause this week past week I totally might of done it.

Tomorrow is another day, I have my singing voice on and will look for my patient pants in the morning.

Wednesday 12 September 2012

Archived Post 2012 - Dear Kate

Dear Kate,

Today marks month 6 since you moved here, no one made a comment, no one said anything to you at all about it, in fact I may have been the only one of use who remembered but there was a part of you today that was out to make me crazy. It was almost as if you knew something about today mattered aside from the fact that I was super sick and really just wanted to go back to bed from the moment I got up.

You started the day by having a tantrum over some ridiculous little thing and so I took you outside where you could holler and howl all you wanted but of course as soon as I encouraged you to you sat down and refused. Strong willed barely begins to describe you. Once you finally came inside you then spent much of the rest of the morning pouting. In fact,  by the end of the morning I was so tired of your games that I sent you to your room were you remained for much of the afternoon. Luckily for both of us you enjoy the toys you have in there and can entertain yourself for hours.

This happens about once a week, you have a really tough day where need to push every boundary you have just to see if you can. Sometimes I can manage it and let you play your games, other times I manage less well and you end up in trouble. I know what you are doing, I know why you are doing but oh my goodness it wears me down.

In the midst of all that behaviour there is a light in you that shines, you make us laugh at your ridiculous antics and fantastic little girl comments. You love your brothers when you are not trying to kill one of them with the death stare that you save just for them. You love home school and astound me with the things that you already know. You read all the time and are starting to want to write everything down and make little lists that you squirrel away for another day.

You like to wear dresses and leggings are your new best friend. I imagine that you and I are not going to see eye to eye on clothing in the very near future because you seem to think that tighter is better already and you are only 6. You are still addicted to monkeys and if could wear your monkey hoodie everyday I think you would . We had a fantastic summer and you are looking very forward to winter so that you can go sledding again.

You are a joy Kate, I am thrilled you are my daughter even on the really tough days.


Saturday 8 September 2012

Archived Post 2012 - Love

I have this boy, he is funny, adorable and has the ability to light up a room with his laughter. He has a great sense of humour,  he loves sports and music, he is his little sisters hero. His name is Fudge and I love him in a way that only a mother could. He makes me crazy with his misbehavior and his antics but underneath all that silly little boy behaviour I see a glimmer of the wonderful man that he is going to grow into. A man who will be a fabulous at whatever paths he chooses to pursue because if there one thing that persistence is good for it is being successful.

I have not always been able to speak of him in that way, there was a long time when neither of us wanted to love one another. We have moved through that in many ways, it took a really, really long time, years in fact but then this week, he reminded me how very hard things can be with him.

On Wednesday he took me to a place I have not been to with him for a while, a place where he reminded me just how tenuous our relationship was for much of the first 3 and half years that he was my son.

There was a time about 2 years ago when I had given up hope that Randall would ever love me. They were dark days for me, days when I thought that things might never get better. Weeks and months when I had to let Jack be the only parent Randall had because he was not willing to let me be his parent. I cooked his meals and did his laundry, I kissed him goodbye and goodnight but really that was all. Jack did everything else, all the nurturing, all the conflict resolution, assigning of consequences, all the stuff parents do for their kids was up to him. It was the only way to make it work.

Randall hated me, yes I said hated. It was not me as a person he hated, it was me as his Mom. He had been so hurt and he was missing the Moms he had before so profoundly that there was no way he could attach to another woman who said she was going to be his Mom. He had no reason to trust that I was not going to leave him even though I said was not.

I almost gave up more times than I would like to admit. I almost threw in the towel and stopped trying because I felt like it would never change. In the spring of 2011 he and I started therapy together again. I was committed to giving our relationship a chance to be something more than it was, something more than just a kid and his caregiver which was how I felt. Therapy was hard, he consistently talked about how the grass was greener everywhere else, about how I was not as good as everyone else and how really there was nothing that I could do that would be good enough.

It hurt.

I cried a lot.

But I kept going.  Looking back I am not sure how. I am not sure what kept me going during those really dark months. I know that I was holding on to the fact that if he never attached to me it was not my fault, that I would of done everything I could to make him feel safe and loved. I could only show it to him though, I could not make him love me, that was up to him. There were times when I wondered what giving up would mean for our family, his brother was doing well and after much discussion we decided that it would just mean that Jack would be his only parent, that was really hard for me to think about and admit.

Week after week we pushed through, things got way worse, way harder and then almost a year after we started things started to change.  The changes I was seeing in him gave me so much hope for our relationship. He let me do things for him, he came to me for comfort and just to say hello, he wanted to brush my hair and to touch and to be touched. These were all huge steps for him and although there were times when the last thing I wanted was to let him touch me I did it, I sucked it up because I knew that this was what he needed.

When things finally started to change I was apprehensive, I was not sure that this was going to last but it did, he is slowly but surely attaching and it makes life with him so much more enjoyable. It makes me happy to be his Mom, I look forward to being together and not dreading our every interaction.

We have our moments, it is not all roses and sunshine around here let me tell you. This week I was reminded of that, on Wednesday he and I had an epic blowout, we were both so mad at one another the other kids were steering clear of both of us. Later when we were both calm, I talked through what had happened with him and apologised for totally blowing my top and he looked at me and said, " you kind of had a right to be that mad, I was being a jerk." I just about fell off my chair, I was floored by his ability to notice what he had done and admit it such a short time later.

He is attaching, I am attaching and we are going to be ok even if it did take 4 years to get here.