I know it's been quiet around here.
Things have been hard, really hard and when they get hard like that I turn inward, I get depressed and I tend to bury my head in the sand.
About 6 weeks ago something happened with one of the kids, something that made their future, the reality they will live, the challenges they will face seem so much more real than they ever have before. I was angry about what they had done, the child in question did not really understand why I was so angry. 36 hours later after my head and exploded the child did the same thing again. I was so far past mad I could not even talk to the kid. Then 2 weeks ago just after Christmas that same child did a different thing but it was the sort of thing that really made me wonder if anything we ever said was heard or if it was all just gibberish.
The reality is that the child question does not have the ability to understand cause and effect. They should be able to understand that when they bend their finger all the way back it will hurt and then stop doing it but this child can not. They are bending their own finger all the way back, crying because it hurts and not understanding that they are the one who can stop the pain. That may seem like a rather primitive example but some days things just like that are happening.
To top that we are in the heart of all sorts of big anniversaries for Kate and that is bringing up all sorts of behaviour which in of itself is more than challenging. I am pretty tired of being called a bitch by a 6 year old. In the midst of all this Kate made some allegations against a person from her past which a probably true and now we have to deal with yet another interview with social workers.
Last week was one of the hardest weeks I have had in a long time, I was depressed and hiding in my house in my footie pj's hoping that if I hid long enough spring would come, the light would return and the all the hard anniversaries for my kids would pass and we could just go back to it being summer. It didn't happen. It's still winter and they are still being tough as nails.
I did reach out to some friends to vent though, I did express my frustration and sadness and one of my very dear friends made an offer to give me a break, to take all 3 of crazy homeschooled kids so that I could have break. So that is what we are going to do, take a break, without our kids for the first time we are leaving them for a whole week and heading to the southern sun.
The thought of this break, this time to recharge is going to carry me through the next 10 days or so, it is the carrot I so needed. I will also leave all of the people I love and head to sun in March which is totally different kind of break and much needed one as well.
I am going to be ok, I just need to take of my needs as well as theirs.