10 years ago today we finalized our adoption of Kevin and Randall. I remember the day so very well and I was so hopeful about what our lives together were going to be like. We were going to be a family and family is forever.
My sister came with her two kids and 7 of us celebrated together, we went to court, we took pictures with the judge and social workers. We promised to be committed to these boys forever. Then we all went to a pottery studio and made a platter to commemorate the day with their small hand prints making a heart. We went out for dinner. Later that week we had a bowling party with a large group of friends and had a great night together. There are a lot of hilarious photos of the boys hamming it up for the camera with our friends who came to celebrate with us.
Family is forever. Except when it’s not.
Today 10 years later neither of the boys is in my home. Kevin has not spoken to any of us since his siblings made the sexual assault allegations. Randall is living in a group home and for his sanity I did not draw attention to what the day was because I thought it would make him sad and instead will acknowledge it with him later this week.
But it struck me this morning how sad I was. How much I missed them both and how this not what I planned or what I thought my life would be like at this point. I knew the day was coming, I was aware it was today but it hit me like a ton of bricks this morning at yoga.
One minute I was sitting there focussing on my breath and the next minute I was doing everything I could to keep the sobs that were welling up in my chest at bay so I could get through the rest of the very crowded class without making a scene that I would be unable to explain to a room full of people who really just know me as a stay at home Mom to a bunch of teens.
I did make it through the class and to my car but as I began to drive home the tears flowed. I am missing my boys and missing the family I dreamed I would have.
I want things to be different, I want to change the past so that this is not our future.
I cried all the way home and as I pulled in my yard I was overcome by the fact that what I dreamt of 10 years ago ( when I was so hopeful), is never, ever going to be what happens. I am never going to have the family I dreamt of when we stood in that court room and committed ourselves to two very broken boys who I though I could fix with a lot of love, patience and commitment.
I am not going to see them thrive and create families of their own in the ways that other Moms do. I am not going to be able to protect from the outcomes of their criminal cases or from the big bad world that is pulling them in all sorts of directions because they are not here.
They are not here for me to hug tonight and to tell them how much I love them. They were not here to make Root Beer floats with or ice cream sundaes to celebrate this special day of love for us.
If I had thought I would of been this sad I would of made sure I had planned things. But I hit me like a tidal wave and I just cannot seem to catch my breath.