Faking it.

Fake it till you make it has been my mantra all week.

It was Spring Break here this week and although Kate and had therapy and appointments and such we also had a lot of free time to fill and I wanted to hide in my room and do nothing but that didn't seem very fair to Kate so I pulled up my socks and planned a couple of things.

There was no earth shattering excitement but there was a movie, some shopping, ice cream for lunch and a lot of new books to read. We also spent our evenings watching Worst Witch on Netflix which sort of made me want to poke my eyes out but she loved it.

I used to plan every minute of break week like this. I would plan fun things and we do things with friends or  we would go a car trip to see something new or visit family. This year I just did not have that in me.

 I am still pretty sad/angry/upset/depressed ( depending on the day) by the situation we are in and the choices that our kids have made that have gotten us to this point. I want things to be different. I want all 5 of us to magically be together and for things to be the way I dreamed they would be.

I know that is not going to happen. I know that we will never go back to the way things were and that where we are is not the result of any single event. Instead is the result of us desiring to help 3 very broken kids have a family and for at least one of those kids there was just no way that they were ever going to be able to heal enough to be a typical kid.

We tried so hard for so long and when we finally let Kevin leave our home I was devastated and so sad but I knew I had done everything I possibly could and had no other choices. When it came out that Randall also had to leave it caught me by surprise and I was so not ready to have him go. It was not what I wanted, it was not what he needed but the choice was removed from our control and as a result we had to figure it out and in a mater of weeks we went from functioning as a family of 4 in one home to a family of 4 in two homes and I miss him a lot.

I will keep on faking it with Kate over here for as long as I need to and I know that with time I will become accustomed to our new normal.