Starting over

I feel like I am starting again.

My life has shifted so dramatically in the last 7 months in ways that I only imagined in my worst nightmares and yet here I am getting up day after day to a world that is so different from anything I hoped for.

I alternate between being overwhelmingly devastated  ( because I miss my boys so much) and then completely relieved for Randall because he desperately needs help and as hard as we tried no one would hear us. Now that he is back in care other adults are seeing what we are talking about and trying to get him the services he needs to be supported. I am not sure that it is going to work but it is so nice not to be the only one in his corner advocating in a world that doesn't seem to be listening.

Kate is acting like a complete fool and everything time I try to trust her, to change the ways things work in our home she is thrilled and then totally destroys my trust by doing the exact opposite of what she needs to maintain the changed rules. I just do not have the emotional resources to manage her behaviour right now and desperately just need to her to allow things to be easier for awhile so I can gather some emotional resources so that I can support her better.

I did not think that after parenting for 11 years this is the place that we would be in and that I would be trying to reinvent what our family looks like so that we can find a way to be in relationship with one another. I thought we would be getting ready to launch older kids into the world as happy young men with bright futures and instead we are worrying about trial dates, restraining orders and visit schedules that do not include Kate since they are not allowed to see one another.

This is not what I planned and I don't really want to start again.