I have been listening to Harry Potter and the Sacred Text, it has become a comfort to hear Vanessa and Casper talk about how some of very favourite books can be dissected and discussed just as I would of discussed a text when I studied theology in University. I just finished the end of the fourth book and the last few themes had my brain processing all sorts of things as I listened.
Today I listened to a number of episodes as I painted Kevin and Randall's bedroom. Painting their room was hard because my body hurts and my physical pain is bad right now but it was also emotionally hard because it in the spring of 2007 I painted that room in anticipation of what would come. I painted and sewed bedding for the boys I would come to love so very much, boys who are not here now and who I miss with every fibre of my being.
"Love is radical act" said Vanessa in the episode where they wrapped their fourth season and she is so right. She is not the first person to say it but today it really resonated for me as I work through all of the emotions that go with the events have been the last 8 months of my life.
When I first wanted to adopt, when I wanted to adopt again, when I talk about the how and whys of this journey it was always because I believed with my whole being that loving a child in need could fundamentally change the world for the child. I still believe that. I believe that somewhere inside a person will always know that they were loved and that knowledge goes with them into the world and sustains them even if that person is not there.
This theory falls apart when you add in trauma and neglect. I had no idea that those two words could change love and turn it into something to be scared of, something to run from because it might cause you to be hurt. But in the eyes of a child who has been hurt love is not necessarily a good thing. All of my kids fought not to be loved, fought to survive in a world they did not trust because it they had no reason to believe I was any different than the other adults who had hurt them, left them and then moved on with their lives as if the children no longer mattered.
My love was indeed a radical act but one that they could not receive. I worked hard to change that for them, I kept loving, kept trying, kept fighting but it was not enough. They were hurt humans who hurt other humans with devastating consequences for themselves and for Jack, Kate and I. As those consequences play out I am often asked if I still think adoption is an good option and I always say yes, I would do it again. If I could go back and have a do over I would totally take it and I wouldn't change much except for never ever letting anyone out of my sight especially while they were playing outside.
But hindsight is 20/20 and I can not change what has happened and can only move forward as I figure out what life will look like now. What I do know is that I will continue to to act justly, to walk humbly and to love with my whole being.