Monday 10 February 2020

How much longer?

A friend who has been struggling in her marriage for a long time just called me to tell me that she and her husband were getting a divorce. It has been a long time coming and she finally in a moment of anger just said out loud that she was done and he agreed. Then they both left for work. 

I am jealous. 

It is no secret that Jack and I have been struggling for years to remain connected in the midst of all the chaos that has become our normal. On Friday I tried to talk to him, tried to tell him something that was gigantic for me and he could not hear me. Instead of listening and offering empathy he compared my sharing, to recent events he also is struggling with. they are not the same. It's not because he doesn't care because he does, and deeply. Instead it is that his pain is so great that he can't acknowledge mine and understand how that pain is currently affecting every single aspect of my existence at the moment.

We are both so broken from years of parenting trauma and all the implications of this journey. I have found support and friendship through the hardest parts and he has not found anyone. I go to therapy and try to manage and still be a good parent to Kate and Randall in spite of all that has gone on. He does not. He spends his time working, complaining about working and lying in bed watch cop shows on his iPad and then wonders out loud why the kids are not connected to him and don't tell him anything. 

Most days I feel like staying here with him is a battle that I do not want to fight anymore and he has no idea what is going on because he refuses to take the time to listen to me when I try to talk to him. 

It makes me sad for him, for me and for our kids because I do not think I can keep up this charade for much longer. 

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