Skipping Ahead 10 years

Randall texted me today while he was school to tell me that he was feeling overwhelmed and that he had nightmares about Kevin breaking into the house and shooting all of us.

 Last night Kate asked me if I still loved Kevin. She asked me if it was ok that she didn't feel like she loved him anymore.

This is not unusual for us in a post-Kevin world.

Kevin moved out in the spring of 2017 against our wishes after 2 years of complete chaos where the police often brought him home and where he called Child and Family Services on us every chance he got. He eventually put himself back into foster care and in the time that led up to that created a lot of chaos for everyone.

This past summer (2018) Randall and Kate disclosed that Kevin had sexually assaulted them. Once one of them disclosed then the other felt as though they could too. Their disclosure shocked us but we absolutely believed them both from the moment it was spoken because there was no way they would make it up. They had nothing to gain and everything to lose.

We are still very much picking up the pieces, trying to make sense of life  and working hard in therapy. All of that does not change the fact that it happened and that it happened multiple times to two of my children and the hands of my other child. We were so careful, we had so many rules and worked so hard to make sure everyone was safe but Kevin was determined and sneaky and in spite of our best efforts it still happened.

Last week he was arrested and charged. He has a hearing in about 6 weeks but before that happens there are likely to be more charges laid as the investigation is ongoing.

 It is all rather surreal, when I am alone I spend a lot of time thinking about what might of been, what could of been and what will happen. It is a scary road to go down and I am not sure how we are every going to pick up all the pieces.