"Hey Mom, sorry I had such a bad morning, I love you, have a good day" said Randall as he was rushing out the door this morning.
"That's okay buddy, it happens and it wasn't so bad" I said, keeping the grouchy mama voice inside my head.
"Nope, your right, I didn't spill anything, that would of made it worse" he replied and as he skipped off down the path he turned and signed I love you to me.
My heart melted in that moment.
He had a bad morning, nothing new, what is new is that he saw that and moved on from it without yelling or arguing or blaming me for his mistakes. That is progress, it is also attachment.
Randall is moving forward in his attachment to me, he has been for awhile. That in and of itself it a WONDERFUL thing but it is hard because I have been so hurt by the way he has treated me that sometimes I still feel as though it is all a carefully constructed facade. Here he is moving along, making loving comments, looking for touch and reassurance from me because he is learning to trust me, learning to love me and there are times when I do not want him to. I don't want to be touched, or loved or spend time with him. I want to be hurt and bitter and angry because of the way he has treated me.
Don't worry, I am not playing favourites. It's not just Randall, sometimes I feel the same way about Kevin.
The thing is even though sometimes I feel that way I need to keep those very real and very normal feelings in check, I need to put on my happy face and fake it. It is not as hard to fake it as it was awhile ago. Some days are easier than others.
I need to fake it because it is not my children's fault that they are still attaching to me. It is not my children's fault that they do not trust adults to meet their needs. It is most certainly not their fault that they are in this situation, it is the fault of other adults, adults who did not meet their needs.
Lately when I ready to blow at one of them, when I do not want to be touched by them, when I am so far past frustrated with a rage or and tantrum or an argument, I hang on to that, I hang on to - it's not their fault, they did not ask for this. They have been shaped and formed and changed by what happened to them as young children.
I am not justifying all of their behaviour, but their past matters, it makes a difference, it changes things.
Yes they make choices, they do stuff that make things worse, they act like children and sometimes that drives me crazy. But at the end of the day some of it is not their fault and that it is very important thing to remember when parenting them.