I love attachment.
I hate attachment.
I love that my children are developing bonds to us, the people who will always be there for them. I love that they are learning to trust us, to feel safe with us and to love us.
I hate the nightmare that is getting to the place that they need to be in order to do all those things. I hate that in order to learn to love us they must grieve all that they have lost in their short lives. They have experienced more loss than many people experience in a lifetime.
Randall continues to struggle and fight us at every turn, It has been a long month with him, in fact it has been a long 6 months ( as many of you well know). He has ended his last 2 days in tears and been sent to bed early because he is unable to stop arguing and being rude when he is in trouble. He began is day today in tears because he refused to wash his hands after going to the bathroom. It was a long morning. Then he left for school. I will see him at lunch hand I am dreading what I am going to hear from his morning teacher because more days than not she stops me in the hall to talk about his behaviour. He is not hitting so I guess that is a plus but he is threatening and teasing and being rude. Rude seems to be his behaviour of choice this week
I love attachment.
I hate attachment.
As hard as Randall is at the moment Kevin is managing to keep my hopeful, he is in a word, wonderful. Do not get me wrong he is not perfect. In the past week he has spray painted the inside of the toilet black with black hairspray, ignored my instructions numerous times, had a tantrum over his lunch, talked back and worked hard to annoy his father but he is not raging. He responds when he gets in trouble, he is remorseful, he makes amends and accepts his consequences without argument and does them.
Kevin keeps me hopeful. Kevin who used to rage and try to break anything he could get his hands on. Kevin who did everything he could to make us stop loving him, to make us give up on him. If we can see the light at the end of the tunnel with Kevin than surely we can get there with Randall right. (don't rain on my parade, I need all the hope I can get right now)
That is what is giving me hope this week, that and the fact that they go to school everyday and I get a break.
