Wednesday 22 September 2010

Archived Post 2010 - Today hope is a 4 letter word.

I don't have much hope today. I have a little more than I had yesterday but it is only marginally more and only because after having a meltdown yesterday morning I found people to help me through it, made some choices and then went to bed knowing that today is a new day.

After I wrote yesterdays post I was feeling overwhelmed by what has been going on with Randall. I decided to email Randall s therapists and see what they thought/could say and in doing that I was really honest about how I was feeling in that moment. Which turned out to be a really good thing because then we talked about how I was feeling and what I needed to do and that gave me some perspective.

I am scared.

I am scared that Randall will not attach to me. It has been 2 years and everyone told me he was going to be the easy kid. Kevin was the hard kid and yet he is attaching, he has made huge strides, making those strides with him makes me feel proud. I feel proud that we took this really tough kid and helped him to turn that around. I am proud that we have success story of what can happen with older child adoption and at the same time I also terrified that we have a worst case scenario on our hands as well.

Twice yesterday Randall said things that caused me seriously consider that he may never get to the place were he trusts me enough to let me in. I can not figure him out, I can not find the pattern and help him to change as I did with Kevin.

Hope is 4 letter word today.

I don't have much hope and I am working on being okay with that for now. I am taking a huge step back from parenting Fudge and letting Jack take over for a bit which works in some ways and not in others because I am the one that is home. I have bought goodnights and given the boys an alarm clock and I will not be pulled into the struggle over wet beds and water drinking any longer. I do need to not start each day with a fight.

I have a plan and that will help me cope but at this exact moment I am still scared and I do not have very much hope that things are really going to change. I am terrified of all the what ifs.

I feel defeated. It is hard to feel this way. It is hard to admit that I feel this way and that an 8 year old has made me feel it. But I do and I know that I am not the first and I will not be last.