Saturday, 30 November 2019

hard days

I have purposely been absent from here for the last few months while my eldest child and my middle child have their cases wind through the court system. I felt like it would be better if I stayed quiet so that this small corner of the internet could remain mine and that nothing I say here would come back to haunt me as I was cross examined.

That changed this week when court was cancelled and held over for another two months. Hearing that this would not be over anytime soon was my undoing this week. I want to close this door. I want this to be done so we can figure what our normal will be and we can move forward.

So much has happened. So much has changed and in the midst of it all I find myself grieving Kevin and Randall in a way that I did not know was possible. Grieving for all the things we have lost and all the dreams that I had for us. Dreams for me to create a family so different than the one I grew up in. A family that could gather without a million secrets being swept under the rug every time because no one talked about the hard parts. About the abuse and violence, the addictions and tragedy of being a survivor. I did not want that for my children. I want to be open and honest and doing my level best to make sure that these kids always knew that they were wanted and loved.

I wanted them to always know that I would be here for them.

But, I am not there. I am not allowed to be there for Kevin and currently not really for Randall either because he has pushed that door closed for now.

Poor Kate just gets the leftovers. She get s the bits of me that are not consumed by my chronic pain, my grief and my course load as I work on another degree.

There are days when the darkness of depression consumes me and I feel like cannot live in this world for another moment. When I am afraid of the choices I might make to just try end the pain and then I think of Kate and how devastated she would be to lose me and that thought, that broken kid becoming more broken is all that is keeping me here some days.

It is almost December and I am dreading it with every fibre of by being. I do not want to be merry and bright. I want to pull the covers over my head and not come out until life looks less bleak and someone has invented a time machine so I can go back and change things with my kids to the way that they were supposed to be.

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