Alone

I am feeling very alone today. It's Kevin's birthday and I am really missing him and am mourning the lack of celebrating him today. We have been apart on his birthday and moved the the celebration around but this is the first time there has ever been a court order that prevents us from being together.

Both Jack and I reached out to him on social media without discussing the fact that our hearts are hurting today. Jack publicly and me privately in a dm. I can see that he read it and I have no idea how he feels because hasn't responded but I had to acknowledge that I was thinking about him today. It took me awhile to figure out what to say. To keep it neutral and yet let him know that he was in my heart and on my mind.

It's also Kate's last day of school and she is having lots of big feelings about that. She is also talking about and expressing how much easier life is at home without Randall here. She feels sort of guilty for thinking and saying it but she is right and I let her know that last night when she brought it up. There are no big end of year things for grade 7 so her year is just kind of fizzling out without too much fanfare and then theatre camp starts on Tuesday for two weeks.

All around me on social media kids are finishing high school and families are posting pictures of all their kids accomplishments. I feel like it would be to create and post a photo essay called "My Reality". I could post photos of restraining orders, court documents, social workers and therapy sessions because as the school year ends that is the only thing that I have to share. Randall should be graduating but is no where near finished and Kevin dropped out in 2017.

Watching everyone else be functional in the world makes me feel very alone. I know that in many cases that is just the good part for their fake lives but I don't even have a fake life to pretend with. There is really nothing good happening.