I have been listening to the podcast Harry Potter and the Sacred Text for a awhile now. I get a couple of episodes in a week and eventually I will catch up to their current shows. But as I listen to the early ones I am struck by how profoundly so many of the episodes touch on so many of the things that are going on in my life. I find myself thinking again and again about how their themes address what is going on in my world right now.
In the first book they look at the themes of loneliness, commitment, fear, vulnerability, promises, goals, betrayal, and hope. I am at the end of the second book and the episode I listened to while I was making dinner was on the theme of love, if you want to hear it go ahead and go listen now ( book 2, Chapter 18). Then come back and finish reading.
They address love in so many different ways but the one that stands out for me is how you love someone and then send your love with them into the world and hope that you don't lose the person that you love. I stopped chopping carrots and thought about that in terms of my children and the life we are living at the moment.
I fell in love with these children because I wanted to be their Mom. They were not born to me and instead walked in the front door bringing with them a whole world of pain and trauma that meant the my loving them was going to hurt me too. I did not know that when I met them. I did not know that my love and commitment was not going to be enough to heal them. I so thought that I could fix everything for them with love, homemade halloween costume and amazing meals.
I quickly learned it was going to take a lot more to help them and so I read and went to workshops. I networked and researched and did everything I could while I loved them to pieces in the midst of our chaos.
It was not enough for Kevin. Once he went out into the world my love and connection to him was not enough. That hurts so much. I miss him and so wish that we were not in a situation where choosing between our children was necessary.
But I don't regret loving him as fiercely as I do. Perhaps one day he will remember that love. He will be reminded of it and be ready to make things right.