Kevin is having a rough go right now. I started about 10 days ago. I could spend my time trying to analyze his behaviours and establish which of the many possible triggers caused this hellish spiral that we are all enduring but there is really no point in that. He tried to rage last night, we managed to keep him relatively calm and then I locked us in the bathroom together until he was calm enough to let me hold him which was what he really needed from me.
As I type this he is sitting on the floor in front of me with some paper writing about his feelings. He is not at all interested in telling me what is wrong but I know from experience with him that he will be so much better he talks about it. I thought if he wrote it out we might get a bit of springboard to work from.
He did talk to me on Sunday for quiet some time about how he is still very afraid that we will stop loving him and send him away. We talked for a long time about that and about his birth mom and the poor choices that she made. It is a lot for a 10 year old to process. I am still not completely honest with him about some of the choices that she made and how she put a variety of other things ahead of him and his siblings. He is to young to understand that but at the same time I can not and will not let him think for one single minute that he did anything to cause her to stop loving him.
I have been feeling pretty down this week because I just am not up to playing this game with both of the boys at the same time, I would just really like some time where they were both calm and regulated. I went to meet the new therapist who is working with Randall and I on some of the harder stuff that Randall seems to need to work through and in talking about him I talked about how much I dread going back into these hard cycles with the boys.
I know what they are like and I know how difficult they can be.
After I left there I ran into a dear friend who said something that really resonated for me as I moaned about going back to this place with Kevin. She said "you have not been to this place with him, you have been to other places like it but not to this one" and you know what she is right. Calvin and I have never been here before and it is different. While we were talking I compared the experiences to countries last year we were in Iraq and there was a war going on, this year we are in Saudi Arabia, landscape looks the same but it is a totally different place.
I am good with different, I think. Let me get through tonight and then I will let you know.