Tuesday 18 February 2020

Thoughts from today

Today has been a long day.

I often find taking Kate to therapy to be overwhelming simply because it is a constant reminder to me about what has happened in my home and to my family. Add to that the discovery that I have more school work to finish this week than I realized and Jack continuing to be clueless about just how much I dislike my world at the moment and the day felt like it took forever to be over and even now it is still not done.

I have tried on more than one occasion to talk to Jack about our world right now, about my trauma memories and my depression and he just cannot hear me. That makes me sad and frustrated because I need him to hear it, I need things to change in our home and if they don't I am not sure how much longer I can keep up this game of charades that I feel like I am playing everyday.

Next week Randall has his sentencing hearing and I am not sure if Jack even plans on coming. Randall will not care if he is there but I will. I expect that he should support our boy especially since we asked him to plead so that we would not have to manage a second trial and this really is the best thing for all of us at this point.

Kevin's case will not wrap up until next month and his sentencing will be more complex for so many reasons and honestly, I can't even really think about that right now because when I do I get all panicky and start to worry way more than is reasonable since it is still 5 weeks away.

And then what happens?

What happens for our family?
What happens for the boys?
What happens for me, because even once all the court pieces are finished this is always going to be a part of my story, of our family and a piece of my life that I really would rather forget.

Will the sad always be this overwhelming?
Will there be a time when depression is just an occasional emotion rather than a constant state of being?
Is my marriage over?

There are more questions than answers.

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