Saturday 22 February 2020

My heart hurts

Literally. My heart hurts this morning.

My reaction to the articles about Jean Vanier sexually assaulting multiple woman has consumed my morning as I have tried to calm myself in the reality that yet another man thought that somehow he was more important than the women he ignored as he assaulted them.

My body pain increased as I read more and the spot above my heart that often hurts actually began to ache as did my head as I began to develop a migraine.

Why is it that so many humans feel that their humanity is somehow more important than someone else's? Why do they feel that they have the right to take something that is not theirs to take? Why do men in positions of power use that power to silence women when they assault them? Why are they assaulting them at all?

Why on earth are they pretending that somehow this is their God given right - I mean seriously, how on earth can anyone believe that a loving God would encourage men to assault women.

My heart is broken, my faith is shaken, my belief systems continue to crumble around me as I see more and more brokenness in the world.

Thursday 20 February 2020

Therapy thoughts

I went to therapy today. I feel like I should get a gold star for that most weeks.

I'm glad that when my life was less chaotic and insane than it is right now ( yes there was a time)  I found a therapist who got adoption, attachment and trauma. Luckily for me she is sticking it out through this super insane portion of my life where I frequently feel as though life is never ever going to get to better. She is hopeful, I am not so hopeful but every now and then I have a good day and think this time will eventually pass and things will get better. Today is not that day.

So while we were talking about all the damn trauma in my childhood she made a comment about my parents that got me thinking about why I have made so many of the choices I have made as an adult. So many things in my childhood were chaotic and crazy and as an adult I searched out stability and relationships that were safe with little risk because I was terrified of losing anyone that I cared about.

I just wanted to have people who loved me.

The thing is, my parents did a really shitty job. That isn't news to me but what I hadn't ever really thought about was how if they had just changed some of the smallest things the outcomes for me might have been so different...

That hadn't really ever occurred to me before. I hadn't ever really though about the trajectory of how things went and what might could have been different.

Not that I can go back and change it.

But as I struggle with trauma that I now need to work through, I can't help but wonder what would have been if things had been different. If I lived in a world where they talked about the elephant in the room instead of ignoring it and hoping it would go away. I have always said that my parents did the best they could with a crappy situation  because addictions, trauma, and PTSD were all part of their lives. But, the thing is, they could have done better. They could have stepped up and changed things and when I challenged them as a young adult, they could have apologized. They could have been there for me as a kid instead of leaving me all the time so that they could go off to wherever with little regard for what that meant for me or who was supposed to be taking care of me.

But they didn't.

And here I am, an adult working through things I didn't remember happening until now. I don't have the safe loving family I longed for, instead I have a partner who can't see or hear my pain and kids who are so broken that loving them with my whole heart was not enough for them to heal.

But that is not the end of my story. I am not the person I was two years ago but I am still here.

I am changing the endings. I am talking and apologizing and seeing what I did not see before. Not because I was not paying attention but because Kevin was so manipulative that he would have found a way to hurt them regardless of what I did.

I tried so hard for my kids.

I wish someone had done that for me.

Tuesday 18 February 2020

Thoughts from today

Today has been a long day.

I often find taking Kate to therapy to be overwhelming simply because it is a constant reminder to me about what has happened in my home and to my family. Add to that the discovery that I have more school work to finish this week than I realized and Jack continuing to be clueless about just how much I dislike my world at the moment and the day felt like it took forever to be over and even now it is still not done.

I have tried on more than one occasion to talk to Jack about our world right now, about my trauma memories and my depression and he just cannot hear me. That makes me sad and frustrated because I need him to hear it, I need things to change in our home and if they don't I am not sure how much longer I can keep up this game of charades that I feel like I am playing everyday.

Next week Randall has his sentencing hearing and I am not sure if Jack even plans on coming. Randall will not care if he is there but I will. I expect that he should support our boy especially since we asked him to plead so that we would not have to manage a second trial and this really is the best thing for all of us at this point.

Kevin's case will not wrap up until next month and his sentencing will be more complex for so many reasons and honestly, I can't even really think about that right now because when I do I get all panicky and start to worry way more than is reasonable since it is still 5 weeks away.

And then what happens?

What happens for our family?
What happens for the boys?
What happens for me, because even once all the court pieces are finished this is always going to be a part of my story, of our family and a piece of my life that I really would rather forget.

Will the sad always be this overwhelming?
Will there be a time when depression is just an occasional emotion rather than a constant state of being?
Is my marriage over?

There are more questions than answers.

Monday 17 February 2020

For me and for you

I’m just going to leave this here because I will likely need to hear it again in about an hour.

Thursday 13 February 2020


I wish with my whole being that my story, my version of life did not mean that this is true. But, it is and most days these are things that make me feel the most vulnerable as well.


Tuesday 11 February 2020

And just like that I go from managing to overwhelmed in a moment,

About 2 weeks ago Kevin pled guilty to some much lesser charges. I have a lot of big feelings about that. Mostly it makes me mad because I feel like he is getting away with so much more but I keep trying to tell myself he could have gotten away with it and been found not guilty. I fee like I should just be relieved that he has admit he did something.

Except I am not relieved.

I am overwhelmed and sad for Kate and for me too.  I just found out that although we can make statements about the impact these crimes have had on our lives we can only speak to the lesser charges that he pled guilt to. Which feels a bit like being run over by a truck and then being told that you can only tell people it was a bicycle that hurt you even though the truck has altered your life forever and bicycle might of just been an annoyance or caused some minor injuries.

I am shocked at how fast I go from  - everything is okay, I am managing this, to oh my goodness I can not do this and there will be no managing.

I feel as though this going to need to be a day with a lot of deep breaths as I try to keep myself calm because this event is still six weeks away.

Monday 10 February 2020

How much longer?

A friend who has been struggling in her marriage for a long time just called me to tell me that she and her husband were getting a divorce. It has been a long time coming and she finally in a moment of anger just said out loud that she was done and he agreed. Then they both left for work. 

I am jealous. 

It is no secret that Jack and I have been struggling for years to remain connected in the midst of all the chaos that has become our normal. On Friday I tried to talk to him, tried to tell him something that was gigantic for me and he could not hear me. Instead of listening and offering empathy he compared my sharing, to recent events he also is struggling with. they are not the same. It's not because he doesn't care because he does, and deeply. Instead it is that his pain is so great that he can't acknowledge mine and understand how that pain is currently affecting every single aspect of my existence at the moment.

We are both so broken from years of parenting trauma and all the implications of this journey. I have found support and friendship through the hardest parts and he has not found anyone. I go to therapy and try to manage and still be a good parent to Kate and Randall in spite of all that has gone on. He does not. He spends his time working, complaining about working and lying in bed watch cop shows on his iPad and then wonders out loud why the kids are not connected to him and don't tell him anything. 

Most days I feel like staying here with him is a battle that I do not want to fight anymore and he has no idea what is going on because he refuses to take the time to listen to me when I try to talk to him. 

It makes me sad for him, for me and for our kids because I do not think I can keep up this charade for much longer. 

Thursday 6 February 2020

what do you do when it is all just the same?

There have been many moments in the last week or so when I have thought about coming here, thought about writing something to help me process some of what is happening in my head and to my spirit but I haven't. I feel like I have nothing more to say that I have not already said.

Things are hard.

Most days feel as though I lived through enough life to last for a whole month.

These days that are hard for me, seem to last forever. For awhile now I have been working on  acknowledging the level of pain and exhaustion that I am feeling as a result of my life and my own trauma that has been front and centre in all moments of my life.

I so wish that our lives were different. I wish that I could go back and change the past. I so wish my life had turned out differently

I have been hanging on to this message for awhile and made it the wallpaper on my phone the other day, not because I feel as though my story is something people need to hear but more because I know that knowing I am not alone has been such a comfort to me. Perhaps one day sharing my story will help someone else realize that they are not alone either.