Thursday 12 July 2012

Archived Post 2012 - Dear Kate,

Dear Kate,

Before I say anything else I need to tell you that you are a joy. You light up our lives in a way that we did not know was possible, your Daddy agrees with me, you make us laugh aloud each and everyday. That grin, those comments, your timing and your fabulous imagination make me grateful that you are a part of my life.

It is that grateful feeling that keeps me going and that is a really good thing because lately you have pulled out all the stops in an attempt to see just what you might get away with. Just the other day you thought it would be funny to make faces at your brother as he got in trouble for something which of course would of made him more angry but you got caught. You also thought that it would be a good idea to go ahead and let the dogs out yourself which meant they ran away. I was less then impressed.

You still swear like a sailor and lie better than I did as a kid which is saying something cause I was pretty good liar. You have learned that throwing your juice at me, deleting all the photos off my camera and eating all the strawberries in the strawberry patch are not such good ideas unless you are looking for trouble.

But underneath all that behaviour, behind all those walls there is this beautiful little girl that we get to see glimpses of.  You are creative and have the most wonderful imagination, you make up these fabulous and complicated imaginary games that I try to follow but usually can't. You love to play orphans which amuses me each and every time you do it. You are bright and funny and you try to joke with your brothers which doesn't always work so well but you keep trying. You can read and you love to write, I am not encouraging you to read and yet you keep getting better and better.

I was thinking today about how happy I am that we fought for you, that we pushed the system to trust that living with other kids would be good for you. It is. You test and push and try to get them sent away so you can have us all to yourself but you are learning so much from them and even though they would never admit they are learning from you to.

Kate, you are a joy and I am so happy you are ours.


Monday 9 July 2012

Archived Post 2012 - This is hard.

  • it is hard to say that the post I was going to write today has been postponed cause this was a day that has left me spent.
  • it is really hard to here a child you have loved for 4 years tell you that he wishes he lived somewhere else. 
  • that he wishes he lived with a parent who hurt him, neglected him and left him alone. 
  • it is hard to watch him struggle through the pain of realizing that this woman, his first mother gave him life but hurt him so profoundly.
  • it is hard to explain addiction to children. 
  • it is hard to be rejected even though you do everything you can to be  the best parent you can be. 
  • it is hard to listen to your kid dig themselves a great big hole with their fantasies about what might of been and every time you offer them a rope to climb out they throw it in your face.
  • it is hard to remain hopeful when a kid is screaming at you about how horrible you are.
  • it is hard to be understanding when all you want to do is yell at them for the crappy choices they are making. 
  • it is hard to be a Mom. 
  • it is hard to listen to your kid tell stories designed to get another kid in trouble, they are not quiet lies but are right on the edge and without careful questioning the wrong conclusion could be drawn. 
  • it is hard to find the truth
  • it is hard to catch the giant moths that fly into your house at night when one of your kids leaves the only window without a screen open and the light on. 
  • it is hard to say that my lately my children are all sharing many of these stellar behaviours, it might be easier if there was only one of them but I don't do easy very well. 
  • it is hard.