So yesterday I wrote about being brave, I wrote about how I thought I was brave and don't feel very brave and it was not what I wanted to say and yet it was all I said.
I wanted to say that I am scared, often terrified of what is going to happen with my life. I am afraid most days that my eldest child is going to show up to hurt me or one of my other kids. I am scared that people are going to judge be for being a bad parent. I am afraid that I am never going to lose the weight I have gained this year as I have eaten all my big feelings. I am worried for Kate and Randall and the choices they are going to make to numb some of the overwhelming pain that they feel. I am scared my marriage is over because I am not sure I can ever forgive Jack for not watching the kids more carefully. I am scared of trials, assessments, meetings and explaining again and again that I really did do my very best and my heart is shattered because my best wasn't good enough. I am afraid that no matter how hard I work we are never, ever going to be able to be a family again.
I am scared all the time.
I go to therapy every week and we glide around the issues because I am afraid that if I speak of how profoundly scared and sad I am I will not be able to recover in time to be present for my kid. I am afraid of the days where I feel so profoundly sad about my life that I contemplate changing it in the most drastic of ways. Sometimes when I feel a little less scared and I see a glimmer of hope I write to my therapist about it and in those moments I do feel brave and courageous but underneath that is fear.
Fear that I am not good enough. Fear that no matter what I will never feel safe. Fear that my selfish desires to parent are what got us to this place. Fear that I am bad person and this is a punishment. Fear someone will find this place and know who I am. Fear, fear, fear.
I am full of fear.
Last week I went away for a long weekend and I am glad that I went but as the time to go approached I was so nervous because I was terrified of being judged. I was afraid that these women who are brave with their lives would see that I was a fraud and that I was not brave but instead just really good at pretending to be brave. We have gathered together since our children were young and they know me, they have been there and supported me through so many things and yet I was afraid that this would not be the case given what has happened in my life. I was wrong, if they judged they did not share it and instead where supportive and compassionate. I was relieved.
I came home and real life started again, Kate having nightmares, court dates, therapy, meetings and endlessly advocating for our kids who deserve so much more than they have received. As it all fell into the normal swing of things I tried to pretend it wasn't an issue but it is.
If I am actually honest with myself and with the world all I have at the moment is fear.