Monday 13 May 2019

That Day.

Yesterday was Mother's Day. It was fraught with big feelings both good and bad for me as I celebrated parenting my girl and mourned not parenting my boys in the way I want to be. I heard from Randall after I texted him and thanked him for making me a Mom. He has been super sweet lately about thanking me for being his Mom and it makes me reflect on just how far he and I have come together.

There was a time when I was sure he would never attach to me, a time when I thought I would never be good enough in his eyes to be his Mama. It shattered me for years and then when we moved away for two years for a job he and I finally grew together. It was a hard time for me as I was so sick and dark time for him as his brother was sexually assaulting him and the behaviour I saw response to that was impossibly hard to manage.

But now his behaviour makes so much sense. All of it, from the day I met that terrified little boy eating peach as he started at me with his big eyes unwilling to make eye contact with Jack or I until Jack pulled out his phone to add their birthdays to his calendar. Once there was s screen involved he was interested and we had an "in" with him, a tiny crack in his thick armour to begin working with. From that day to the day the police had to go find him after he cut up his arms with a box cutter or the day last spring when he lit our yard on fire - he was silently screaming  - help me -  but I could not figure out why.

Randall, I'm sorry that I could not hear you and will do everything I can to make sure that you can heal from the trauma others have forced you to suffer.

I did not hear from Kevin and I did not really expect to but there was a part of me that was the tiniest bit hopeful that maybe he would come around and send a text. I know deep down that is not going to happen and I know that none of the people who are in his life are going to encourage him to talk to me.

But I chose to be his Mama, I still choose to put myself out there for him and love him even if he can not love me back and because of that I will always have a small glimmer of hope that he might eventually say something. I told him my love was unconditional and although this past 8 months has tested that immensely at the end of the day I will still always love him and my heart will continue to break for the immense pain that he in because he was hurt first and then chose to hurt others as well.

Loving someone with your whole heart means that you might get your ass kicked and it has hard for me to learn to be okay with the but I am working on it.

Kevin, I will always love you and I am so sorry that you were hurt. I hope that one day you will find it in yourself to hear that I will always love you and that eventually you will be healthy enough to be able to hear those words.

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