Friday 9 November 2018

What can I do?

How can I help you?
What can I do?
Do you need anything?

These are the questions my friends and family ask me each and every time I tell someone new about our lives or fill someone in on the chaos that happened this week or last week or today. There does not seem to be any end to the horribleness of all of this and Kate and Randall constantly share new things with us.

I know they mean well, I know they want to help but there is really nothing that can be done. I am completely overwhelmed by my emotions most days and the day to day things like getting groceries and making dinner get me moving everyday. They keep me from curling up in a ball spending my day crying as I stroke the dog and feel sorry for myself. There is definitely a place for that and I know that but I need it not to be my everyday.

I know I am depressed, I feel the ebb and flow of the overwhelming sadness gnaw at me most days and if I do not get out of my house I am afraid it will take over as it once did before.

When I was in university I struggled with serious depression that was brought on by my recollection of my own sexual abuse as child. It was a very dark time in my life and although I had a great therapist and doctor who saw me weekly for years I went through cycles of being seriously suicidal.
Getting back to that place terrifies me and yet I have not called my doctor to ask for meds this time because I am not the girl I was then. I have moments of thinking that would help and then I have a good day and think to myself that I do not need them.

I will be fine is my mantra on the hard days. 

Except when I am not fine and I am afraid that if I go back on anti-depressants it will be forever. I also do not want to deal with telling doctor after doctor why I am on them because they will ask. I see far to many medical processionals for it not to come up again and again.

Like so many things in my life right now there is no easy answer and navigating these new waters of my life will get easier with time.

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