I have been listening to The Moth Podcast to fill my long days of trying to keep myself busy so I do not have to much time to think which is helpful until it's not.
I have hit that spot where busy is not helpful because my grief is to overwhelming and once I wade through the grief I find myself deeply entrenched in shame.
And then my shame keeps me silent for long stretches because to speak of my life is to speak of the fact that even though I tried so very hard to keep my children safe I did not. They were being hurt by their brother who was also very clearly hurt and my home was not a safe a place for them.
But I can't tell this story, I can't call into The Moth and leave it on their story line. I can't tell them that even though I had video cameras and door alarms my eldest child sexually assaulted his little sister while they walked the dog together or played in the yard while I was int the house making lunch. He violently assaulted his brother while they were sharing a room on the second floor while the rest of us slept downstairs. When I had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night and I woke him at 15 years old and asked him to get his siblings off to school if I wasn't back and instead of going back to sleep he waited till I left and then woke his brother to sexually assault him again.
There are so many stories. I know I am not to blame and yet the shame takes over and I retreat inside myself. I hide from my friends because I can not bear for them to know that this happened in my home. That I , the Mom who was on top of it all missed this. That at the end of the day I was not a good enough Mom for my kids and now as we wade through all the trauma and grief I am not a good Mom because I am constantly triggered by their stories for they are so very similar to my own. I too was not safe in my home growing up, I to was sexually assaulted by a sibling and although I thought I had done the work I needed to around that time in my life when this happened it all came crashing back and no matter what I do, not matter how hard I try I can not shut down the movie playing in my head of my own assaults and the fact no one listened or kept me safe either.
We are so broken and I am not sure we are ever going to heal. I am not sure we are all going to make it through this. Randall and Kate were both suspended last week and then this week Randall was removed from school for the rest of the semester. He can go back in February if he gets all 4 of his classes done online between now and then. Which means he is home with me, all day, everyday for the next 10 weeks.
I am barely holding my shit together most days and now I have add teaching and arguing about school work to the long list of things I do not want to do each day. I will put that right under get out of bed and pretend that we are fine.
Shame, she is nasty voice that creeps in and makes you wonder why you even bother trying.