I ran away last Friday to friends house for the weekend so that I could gather my wits about me to get through this week. Kevin has a hearing today and I am not going but just thought of my boy in court having to answer for some of the things that he did to his siblings is killing me. For all of us this is an impossibly hard journey that I wish none of us were on.
I have so many mixed emotions and there really isn't a way to find resources to help me and the rest of my family through this. There is no book, no support group, no manual on how to recover from "when your son sexually assaults his siblings' and then gets away with it for years until one day one of them tells by accident. We are very much alone even though friends try to be supportive there just really is no way that anyone who hasn't lived this can even really begin to get it. I know that we are not alone and that others have been here to but no one talks about it.
Therapy helps but that is one hour a week and I have to live this life very much alone for all the other hours of all the other days and find the energy to support my kids because they need me to have my shit together and to help them through this.
The reality is though I am not holding it together even though I look like I am. I lost it at yoga yesterday because this is all just so freaking hard and how on earth are all of us going to get through this and figure out how to keep living.
Randall is on edge all the time, everything in his life is colored by his disclosure and he does not see anything positive that will come of it. He has no control and no power in this situation and that is exactly what Kevin did to him, took away all of his power and control. He was already really struggling and now he is so close to the edge all the time that I am terrified he is going to kill himself because he really does think that it is his only choice.
On days like this I just want to go back to bed and not get out. Instead I packed up my computer and headed to a coffee shop because sitting around at home felt like a really bad plan today.