Grieving the Living

We went away last week on a much needed break from reality to enjoy some sight seeing and time together. I was struck by how very much I missed Kevin while we were gone. He has not lived in our home for over a year and we have traveled without him many times before but this time felt different.

I felt like I was grieving the loss of someone, he is gone from our lives but he is not dead or missing, instead he just minutes away but is not longer part of lives. I have no idea how he is, if he is safe and if his needs are being met. I have have not spoken to him since early August when we unexpectedly saw him one day. I have heard from other kids that he is denying his guilt regarding the charges that have been laid but that doesn't really tell me anything.

I miss my boy. I miss his red hair bobbing up and down as jumped for hours on the trampoline. I miss his laugh and his arguing. I miss the cuddles and the stories we would read together as we grew to know one another.  I miss the boy that grew in my heart and that I came to love after only meeting him at 8 when he had already seen and experienced far to much.

I miss the boy that I could not reach, the one who was broken by a world that taught him he did not matter and no amount of love, therapy and consistency could change that.

He hurt is siblings, he crossed the line and needs to be held accountable for his choices but that does not change my love and my sadness over the situation we are in.

How do you come to terms with this? How do you forgive someone who refuses to acknowledge that they have done something wrong? How do you find peace in a situation where there is no good outcome?