Monday 16 March 2020

When the structure is crumbling...

So I went away last week, it was a much needed break from reality but it was far from easy to be away. While I was away Jack and Kate fought, again and again. I would deal with them both getting in touch with me and  ranting about what the other one was doing. My friends supported me though and it was so nice to hear that I was not crazy in being frustrated with Jack's behaviour.

Towards the end of my time away the COVID-19 crisis ramped up and I was eager to get home. I slipped in before anyone actually told me that I needed to self-isolate at home for 14 days but I am pretty much doing it anyway because I do not want to be the person who makes another human sick. I have a high risk partner, a high risk kid who is far away and all alone and I have my own long list of issues that make me a pretty high risk patient as well.

Today all of that feels overwhelming. The state of the world feels like more than I can manage.

I was already struggling in so many ways before this started and now my past trauma struggles and depression have ramped themselves into high gear as I try to navigate all of the many balls I have in the air on my own trapped in a house with  stressed Kate and a clueless Jack.

It's hard.

I really hated my life before and now I hate it even more. The one thing I look forward to all year ( going away with my friends) has now created a situation where my struggle around being isolated and trying to manage alone is forced to continue in the most extreme ways.

I wish there were some options for making things less hard and yet I know that is not going to happen. My trauma triggers aren't going to listen to the crisis that is occurring and stop happening. I am not going to all of a sudden  be able to be touched without being scared. My intense hyper-vigilance is not going to magically resolve itself because I am overwhelmed by the pandemic. The intense depression that today, is so overwhelming isn't magically going to remove itself. Jack isn't going to figure out how to support me as I struggle with just existing let alone when when I am triggered and scared.

I so long for this chapter of my life to be over.

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