Season of...

It is the season of sharing and of celebration. It is the season of hope and the coming of new things. It is also the season of BUSY!

We have a lot going on just like every family does in December and this year I am just finding it so hard. At every event, at every family tradition, at the end of a party when it is time to go home I miss Kevin.

I wonder about him, about what he is doing and how he is managing. I worry that he is not making good choices and that no one is looking out for him. I worry that the birth family he is choosing to live with is not taking the allegations against him seriously and is leaving him in situations where other kids are going to get hurt. I worry that he is not getting the help he so desperately needs.

He was my boy for so long, I thought he come so far and that he was going to get through this rough patch of young adulthood and that we would be here waiting for him when he was ready to come back. I thought that one day we would all be able to be together again.

That is not ever going to happen now.

Kate doesn't even like talking about him let alone seeing him and Randall has been scratching his face out of photos. Randall also has stopped referring to him as his brother and now only uses his name when he talks about him and acknowledges doing it on purpose.

I get it, I understand it and I am never ever going to force them to be with him but I am so torn and so frustrated because I promised him again and again I would never leave him and yet here we are. I did not close the door, he did. But, it is very closed. He has changed his last name on FB, he has blocked me from any contact via any social media and he has not said a word to any of us since the allegations came to light at the end of August.

I believe the allegations, I believe Randall and Kate and I wish with all my heart that Kevin could admit to them so that we could all begin to heal in whatever form that would take. The problem is that he is not going to do that and instead we are all going to be forever fractured because he is not ready to be accountable for the choices he made.

They were horrible, awful choices and I am not forgetting that but he is still my child and I do still love him and miss him everyday.