I hit the wall hard on Friday night and I woke up Saturday morning just as miserable as I had gone to bed. So I spent the entire day in my hiding in my room. It helped but did not solve my problems...
Let me roll the day back for you so you understand the wall which I hit and did not see it coming.
Friday was Kate's 12th birthday. It was also the day I took Randall to have lunch with his Bio Dad who he had not seen since he was 5 and 1/2 . To add to the day we picked up Kevin from his bio Dads (where he is currently couch surfing) and took him with us to dinner and movie to celebrate Kate's day. Saturday was the 3 year anniversary of car accident that literally ruined my life by leaving me with chronic migraines and a long list of things I could no longer do.
When all of the events of the day were said and done I thought I was managing quite well, I had been calm and had not confronted Kevin on all of the ludicrous lies he was telling because it was not worth the fight. We had made it through the whole day without any major incidents and I was damn proud of it. As I was putting Kate to bed she said it, she said that although my gift was good her gift from her Godmother was better. That comment, that dig from her that I am never good enough for her put me over the edge. The worst part was that she led with " I know this going to make you upset but..." It did make me upset and I told her that, I told her I had feelings to and that she knew she was hurting them with what she said. She had no response so I said goodnight and left her room.
It crushed me and she knew it would, she is a bright girl and she knows how to make someone feel an inch tall. She does it with other kids all the time and she often does it to me when she is mad but this is the first time in a long time she has done when she was calm. I have always known that the other mothers in her life are far more appealing to her then I am but damn it she doesn't have to rub it in after I worked so hard to make the day special because things have been so hard around here for all of us and we all needed a little fun.
I wish that my best was good enough for my kids.
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