Sunday 16 December 2012

Archived Post 2012 - Dear Kate

Dear Kate,

I should have written this letter 4 days ago. In fact I intended to write it, I meant to write, I thought about it and then I got sick.  Then, as I started to feel better I went out with friends for a much-needed evening out with some other Moms who parent kids who are a lot like you. I had a whole day after that where I meant to sit down but I didn't. We got busy, I still kept trying to find a few minutes to sit down and get this done and then Friday happened.

On Friday a young man killed himself and 27 other people, some of them were children. I am not sure why he did it but I do know that he was a deeply troubled young man and he clearly did not get the help he needed.

I couldn't find words after that. I couldn't find words to talk to you, my 6-year-old who I alternately love intensely and am completed frustrated by,  because the world lost 20 wonderful kids your age on Friday and the grief I felt over that tragic loss made me need to curl up for a while and stay away from the internet. It made me need to hug you and cuddle with you and think about how you have found this place in my heart in the last nine months that is just for you.

December 14 will be one of those days that I remember in the years to come, I will remember that as the news broke I was making lunch for you and your brothers and that as the radio started talking about the story the three of you got really loud and I couldn't hear the details, then I heard that it was a school shooting and that children had died and in the that moment I was really happy you got loud. You did not need to hear about this, you did not need to worry about whether you would be safe in the world, you did not need to know that kids just like you had died that day.

Tonight as I type this you are asleep in your bed, you are unaware of what has happened this weekend, of the families who are mourning the loss of children just like you. We decided not to tell you because you have had more than your share of scary things go on, you are just learning to trust us, to believe us when we tell you that we will keep you safe and we did not have the heart to explain to you that sometimes we will not be able to do that for you. That we will always do everything we can but that might not be enough. I hope with every fiber of my being that it is though, that you and your brothers will always feel safe here.

Kate, you have brought so much into our lives and this weekend I was reminded of just how very thankful I am for you. I would not wish that you ever have to repeat a single step of that journey that brought you here to me, it was long and hard, you wear the scars and it makes me sad when I think about it but I must say I am so very happy you are here.

I love you, past the moon and back again.


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